Nana

Nana

May 2021

Oil on canvas

40 x 50 cms

Private collection of the Antunes family

Excerpt of the book "Retratos" ("Portraits"), final work for the BA Fine Arts course at FAAP: 

Translated transcript of an ICQ chat

Nana! Just the person I wanted to talk to!!

Hi, Pan! Spill the beans!

LOL I like that!!

I`m writing my final essay... I had already written about your portrait, but I didn't like it... I`m trying to write again. I wanted to ask you a few things. 

Oh, sure!

What do you remember about when we first met??

What I remember?

Yeah... How did that go? 

Hmm... I remember you were bald...

I can`t remember how we spoke to each other the first time.  

Me neither... But I'm trying to recall how we began to talk. 

I remember that you replied "hai" to something. And I said "hai?". And you said that was due to your "enormous passion for Japanese animation" and we began chatting. We were walking close to ECA. I remember you drew your won face and mine on a piece of paper, I still have that paper. You were using that Egyptian cross, you know? So I asked you: Pedro, what does that symbol mean? Do you remember that? 

I do!! The ankh: eternal life. And that the drawing was in manga style...

Right... You drew yourself bald with that cross around your neck. 

I didn't even look like me when I was bald like that. And to think that today, every drawing I make of someone with curly hair and thick eyebrows is automatically identified with me... 

Remember I was sick at the end of the semestre... We sat once at the bus stop talking for a long while, remember? Waiting for your mother. 

And Pedro Chang telling us about his boyfriend and I kept missing the point that he was gay... I do remember. 

Hm, what else...

I remember you comforting me after I broke up with Makel. That was the last time... 

What last time?

The last time I broke up with her. The second and final time. 

Oh, you'd broken up before?

Once. But we saw each other later and ended hooking up and eventually dating again. 

Oh, right.

And do you remember the picture I used for the portrait? 

I do. I was taking picture for Iraê with a digital camera. And sending them to him through ICQ. I must've taken around 200. 

Lembro. Eu estava tirando fotos pro Iraê com uma câmera digital. E mandando para ele pelo ICQ. Tirei umas 200.

I think you sent me the more well-behaved ones...

LOL, of course! But even the ones I sent him weren't that bold: they were just cleavages and such.  

In that context, your face was the important thing. 

How come?

I remember I was ones in which you were lying down with your eyes closed. And then I opened another one and you had opened your eyes and looked at me. Or at him, in that case. But it was such an impact to see that all of a sudden.  

I know, you told me... That was precisely the one I didn't like, because my idea was for Iraê to see me asleep, not awake.  

I wish I could feel that feeling you had. That must've been nice. 

I wanted everyone to feel it with the painting. A mix of scare and bewilderment. Like being caught in the act... 

LOL... Boo!

LOL... You later said that you had sent that picture to me to make Iraê jealous at a time when you two were having an argument.

Did I? I kind of remember I was sending them to both of you at the same time... or maybe I wasn't? 

Yeah... Something like that. You had an argument, I don't know. That was what you told me at the time. You sent them to me later. I remember because you chose them better. You must've sent Iraê all of them.

Wow! I don't remember that. 

Yeah, I was choosing them for him, but in the end I got fed up and sent him the whole thing. 

Well... I just remember you weren't taking them while you spoke to me. 

Golly, in my head I was... 

Can I tell you something?

Go on.

Once I was very angry at Iraê (no idea why), and I dream something like this: 

Scene 1: I was in your car and you were driving. We were at 23 de Maio and I knew we were going to sleep together. 

Scene 2: We were lying side by side in bed in our underwear, in the "afterglow", but just there side by side without doing anything. 

There wasn't a single word in that dream. I dreamt that I was cheating on him because I was mad at him and I knew he would be jealous of you. But I only noticed I was angry at him when I woke up.

Weird... That was the feeling of the painting for me: waking up on the next day after cheating. That look in your eyes seemed to ask me: "what do we do now"? 

Wow, that's weird. I found it funny that I dreamt that. I would never do anything to hurt Iraê, even if I got very angry at him. So my subconscious went and did it...

Those subconscious mind of ours...

They're a great escape valve so a lot of things... But you know all that: you study psychology. 

Right...

I dreamt about you too... I can't remember much of it. But I know that over the course of it you would turn into Makel. Or she'd turn into you... I can't remember. But I do remember we ere in bed too, in our underwear. Or at least you were: I can't remember me. 

Doing what? Going at it? 

No... We were waking up the next day. We talked and laughed a lot. I can't remember the topic. 

That's nice...  

What was your impression when you saw the painting?  

Hmm... I saw it on the trunk of your car, remember? 

I do: under the light of a lamp post as if it was a precious smuggled masterpiece... 

I don't think I liked it that much, I though it was a bit "flat", I think, too different from the picture. But then I looked at it under a better light and now I love it. I look gorgeous LOL! My skin looks better than Ana Paula Arósio!!

Well... It wasn't the best place to look at a painting, was it? Especially not the best lighting... 

Right

My mother wanted someone to paint her. 

Has she tried making a self-portrait? 

No... She wanted some guy to see a picture of her and find it beautiful enough to make a painting of it. Having the painting isn't what matters, you see? It's someone wanting to paint you.

Do bad your father doesn't paint... 

Oh my! It's one in the morning already! I have to get to bed, I've got classes tomorrow. 

I liked our chat... Lots of interesting data for my writing. 

Go on. If you need anything, e-mail me with questions and I'll answer them, OK? 

Alright!! By the way, when do I get the next e-mail (with prying questions and all...)?

LOL

I don`t know, you answer them too fast!!

Oh, if I don't answer them on the spot, I'll never answer them!

Oh, I understand... 

Go on, Pan. Good night! It was a pleasure talking to you. 

Likewise!!!! A great pleasure!